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Wet People and Tatty Fedoras Get No Respect
In August 2012, TST project Last Of The Summer Wine, On Roblox ''was cancelled permanently under Jon's direction. However, unlike most other cancelled projects, it was decided to release the script for pilot episode "Wet People and Tatty Fedoras Get No Respect" into the public domain for anyone else to resume work on. In this article is all surviving work on the episode. Characters '''Frank Baxter (''played by WTLNetwork): Self-elected leader of the trio, Frank Baxter is a retired private detective now living happily in Holmfirth. Due to his highly respected line of work, Baxter sees himself as a natural leader of men and therefore took it upon himself to keep his colleagues active in their declining years. He relies on Bernie’s Land Rover as transport, but is always stood in the back to keep an eye out for danger. Clothes: brown fedora and old man hair, assorted ties and the La Noire morph, all found in Henry’s shop. 'Bernard “Bernie” Johnson (''played by Comandomike): 'Bernie is the local ‘whiz’ in the area; part-time electrician, part-time plumber and part-time puppeteer. He drives around in his dilapidated Land Rover, transporting Baxter and Cooper around the village – Cooper in the cab and Baxter stood in the back. ''Clothes: Irish Gentleman cap with mechanic overalls '''Michael Cooper: ‘Cooper’ lives in a converted cellar ‘next door’ to grumpy Jack Grainger, much to his frustration. Now retired, Cooper’s days are spent with Baxter and Bernie, forming a trio of old-age lunatics disrupting the peaceful life of Holmfirth. Jack Grainger (played by mosher100): 'Jack Grainger is a widower, also retired from life in the carpet trade. His former lifestyle worked him into a rough mould for life as a free man, and now Jack Grainger is famous for his pessimistic approach to everything. He drives around in a Reliant Robin that he uses to get away from everything and find a quiet spot in the hills. '''Henry: '''Henry is the scheming owner of the local curiosity store; they say that no one enters his shop and leaves without purchasing anything. He does, however, keep an interesting variety of items… but at a cost unbeaten by any other shop for miles. Pilot Episode - “Wet People and Tatty Fedoras Get No Respect” Baxter is cycling along a country lane. He arrives at a gate and sees that the field beyond the gate slopes down to where Cooper lives. He stops between the gateposts; he cannot see beyond where the field slopes down – it is cut off. '''Baxter: '''That’ll be a good bit of training for them – teach them to always keep an eye out for anything unexpected. He continues cycling beyond the gate and out of shot. '' '' ''The scene changes to show Bernie’s Land Rover parked near the steps to Cooper and Grainger’s houses; Bernie and Cooper are stood next to it drinking tea. '' '''Cooper: '''What do you reckon he’ll have us doing today? '''Bernie: '''Same old lunacy, I reckon. A scream can be heard, followed by a splash in the distance. '''Cooper: '''That sounds like him now. Grainger suddenly rushes outside from his house. Cooper and Bernie turn around to face Grainger. '''Grainger: '''What was that noise? '''Cooper: '''Good morning, Mr Grainger. '''Bernie: '''Morning, Mr Grainger. '''Grainger: '''What was that awful noise? It sounded like someone screaming, then a splash. '''Cooper: '''Don’t worry, Mr Grainger – its just Baxter. He likes a good splash. '''Grainger: '''Well, don’t bring him anywhere near my door in that soggy condition – people will think I welcome that sort of person. Grainger returns into his house; Bernie and Cooper turn to face the wall and continue drinking their tea. Baxter emerges from the river up the ladder. '''Baxter: '''Did you see that – that skilful dive into the river? The road was blocked; it was the only way. '''Bernie: '''I didn’t have any problems getting here. Roads were fine for me. '''Cooper: '''It seems a bit strange to come by river – on a bicycle. Couldn’t you have got a boat? '''Baxter: '''Look, never mind that. Could you get some rope so we can get the bicycle out of the water? '''Cooper: '''Right-o. Cooper disappears into his house to get some rope while Baxter climbs over the wall and onto the ground. He walks over to Bernie. '''Baxter: '''I bet this hat’s ruined. '''Bernie: '''It’s time you got a new one anyway. '''Baxter: '''It’s a good hat, this. '''Bernie: '''But you need a hat that’s both good and not falling to pieces. '''Baxter: '''It’s not falling to pieces. '''Bernie: '''All that’s holding it together is a paper clip and some double-sided! '''Baxter: '''It’s still a decent hat. People give quite a lot of respect to people in fedoras. Grainger emerges from his house once again. '''Bernie: '''Do they? '''Baxter: '''Yes. I’ll show you. (''Baxter turns around to face Grainger.) Good morning, Mr Grainger. '''Grainger: '''Sorry; I don’t talk to ''wet ''people. Grainger returns into his house. Baxter turns back to face Bernie. '''Baxter: '''He must be in a bad mood. '''Bernie: '''People give respect to people in fedoras – maybe they don’t give respect to tatty fedoras! Cooper walks out of his house and towards the other two, holding a coil of rope. '''Cooper: '''He’s right – you do need a new hat. '''Baxter: '''Forget the hat – just go over the wall and tie that rope around the bike. '''Cooper: '''I’m not getting wet for your cruddy bike. '''Baxter: '''All right then: you go over, Bernie. '''Bernie: '''Sorry – I’m not a river-bike person. '''Baxter: '''Fine. I’ll go over; you throw me the rope. Baxter jumps onto the wall and edges his way towards the edge. '''Cooper: '''Get a move on – it’s very boring watching wet people walk across a wall. '''Baxter: '''I’m trying to avoid slipping. Baxter suddenly slips and tumbles from the wall into the river below. '''Cooper: '''I must say; watching wet people walk across a wall is boring, but watching them fall off is actually quite entertaining. '''Baxter: '''Oh, shut up and throw the rope over. The trio are heading for the pub in the Land Rover, with Bernie at the wheel, Cooper in the cab and Baxter stood up in the back. The Land Rover pulls into the car park and stops. Cooper and Bernie get out of the cab while Baxter jumps down onto the tarmac below. '''Bernie: '''This is what I look forward to each day – a pint in Gary’s pub. '''Cooper: '''He knows how to keep a good pint, I know that much. '''Baxter: '''Hang on, Bernie – you’re driving; you shouldn’t be drinking, should you? '''Bernie: '''Calm down, Baxter – I’m not going to drink so much I can’t tell my feet from a lamppost. '''Baxter: '''Even so, since you’re my responsibility – '''Cooper: '''Since when? '''Baxter: '''Well, I make all the decisions don’t I? '''Bernie: '''Yeah, but we always go against them. '''Baxter: '''Never mind – since I’m taking responsibility it seems only right that I drink only orange juice and other sober beverages. '''Cooper: '''Doesn’t bother us – it’s your round, anyway. '''Baxter: '''It was my round last time. Bernie and Cooper walk into the pub, followed not long afterwards by Baxter. '''Cooper: '''Stop complaining – if you’re not drinking beer you don’t have to pay as much as usual. '''Baxter: '''I might as well now, mightn’t I? Cooper and Bernie are sat at one of the pub’s tables; Baxter arrives and sits down opposite them. '''Baxter: '''Well, team: what have you got planned today? '''Bernie: '''You tell him, Cooper. '''Cooper: '''Very well. We thought that, once we’d finished these off, we’d go off into the hills and find somewhere quiet. '''Baxter: And then? '''Bernie: '''We fall asleep for a few hours. '''Baxter: '''Fall asleep? '''Cooper: '''We might get some fish and chips on the way. '''Baxter: '''Heavens above, is that how you plan to waste away your day? '''Bernie: '''We haven’t told you what we’re doing afterwards. '''Cooper: '''So after we have the fish and chips – or fall asleep – we find a nice sloping hill and try out something Bernie’s been working on. '''Baxter: '''Working on? '''Cooper: '''Yep. You’ve been complaining about us not doing anything energetic, exciting or interesting, so we’ve put our heads together and come up with something. '''Bernie: '''I’ve reinvented barrel rolling. '''Baxter: '''Have you both gone soft in the head? Barrel rolling is child’s play; we’re too old for that now. '''Cooper: '''You can’t win with Baxter, can you? He either hates it… or he hates it. '''Bernie: '''If you’re not up for barrel rolling, Margaret, what do you suggest? '''Baxter: '''Well, I personally was going to go and buy something I saw when I was walking past Henry’s shop. '''Cooper: '''You managed to walk past Henry’s shop without getting dragged in? '''Bernie: '''Once you go in that shop, there’s no turning back. He’ll sell you something; even if it’s a cufflink you’ll still be paying the world for it. '''Baxter: '''I don’t think so. I have a way with people. They say Henry’s unshakeable but you’re looking at the person who’s going to shake him. '''Cooper: '''How are you going to ‘shake’ Henry, then? '''Baxter: '''The fedora – people respect the fedora. '''Cooper: '''Even when wet? '''Bernie: '''What was it you saw, then – when you were walking past the window of the soon-to-be-shaken? '''Baxter: '''I was walking past and I just happened to glance in Henry’s window, and I saw, sitting there, among all these ornaments and instruments – one of those original, authentic typewriters. The ones secretaries used to use – and immediately, I thought to myself I must have it! '''Cooper: '''Right then – day planned: typewriter; barrels; fish and chips; sleep; pub; barrel rolling. '''Baxter: '''Yeah: good luck with the barrel rolling. I think I’ll just stay at the top of the hill and watch. '''Bernie: '''In that case, good luck with the typewriter - we’ll just stay outside Henry’s shop and watch. '''Cooper: '''Yep, we’re not getting sold anything ridiculous. '''Bernie: '''He’s already sold me three of those. '''Baxter: '''You forget that I, Frank Baxter – former detective, have the fedora. Henry won’t sell me anything ridiculous. '''Cooper: '''Right then, we’ll meet up at the café – you with your typewriter and us with the barrels. '''Bernie: '''And the fish and chips. '''Baxter: '''What – are you going now? '''Cooper: '''Of course not; we’re going to have another drink first. '''Baxter: '''My round, I’m guessing? '''Bernie: '''Right first time. Baxter stands up and walks away from the table. - When buying the typewriter, Baxter emerges, wearing a different hat. He explains that he decided his old hat was too tatty, but in actual fact Henry sold him the hat with no good reason. Category:Episodes Category:Cancelled or Postponed Category:2012